He’s Gone!

About an hour ago Luis left for Oklahoma, the kids couldn’t quite grasp that he was not coming back. Nicholas thought he would be back after school tomorrow because Luis told him he wouldn’t see him again until he was out of school, this was confusing for him. So he gave him a hug and kiss and we went out to watch him leave and wave goodbye.

Now that he’s gone I can start cleaning out stuff and doing what I want, when I want. He always wants me to do things his way and now he can’t make me….ha ha ha! Candy and cookies for dinner everynight this week!

Honey, I’m home!

I was going to post my last 20 of my 100 things for my 100th post but I was gone and J had to post for me. So, now it will be just have to be in the 100s, oh well. I wrote while I was away but there was no internet connection at the beach house so I’ll back post my posts I wrote on Friday and Saturday, they’re mostly crap, me bitching about why I don’t want to be there, I didn’t want to be there so much that I left last night at 9:30 pm to come back. It was worth driving exhausted and not getting in till 2 am to be home to not have to deal with those people. I might have stayed if Luis didn’t get home last night but I missed him and wanted to be home, in my bed, at my house, where my kids actually sleep.
I’ll try and finish my last 20 things for tomorrow or maybe tonight if I can find the time. I hope you all had a good weekend and thanks J for taking over the blog for a few days. I’m going to go catch up on every one’s blogs and read my People magazine.

Saturday at the Beach

Another day here at the beach and I am still just as annoyed as I was yesterday. I slept good last night considering Sophia freaked out in the middle of the night because she didn’t know who I was (she isn’t used to sleeping with people, we learned our lesson with Nicholas). We were supposed to meet the family at their beach house this morning for breakfast, last thing they told me last night was that they would call us when they got up this morning. At 8 am we still hadn’t heard from them so we called and they said they had already eaten and they didn’t want to call and wake us up. What the fuck? Why tell us you will call us if you don’t plan on doing it? They told us to come on over anyway and there was stuff there still to eat, turns out they never cooked breakfast like they were supposed to, instead they just snacked on cinnamon rolls, strawberries and coffee, not the best breakfast for children. We ended up going to Sonic to grab something when we got sent out to pick up the tables and chairs for tonight which is whole other story all together.
I talked to Bette about what Jennifer wants to do with her hair and she showed me, half pulled back and curled. When I asked if she had something to pull it back in she had a confused look on her face. The thing is that I am not a professional, they know this, I was told they would provide the tools I just had to put the make up on and do the hair, I’m wondering if our lines got crossed, basically I’m wondering if my mother told me something wrong.
Well, I need to go shower now because I have to be ready before anyone else since I am now doing all their make up, originally it was just the bride. God, this is annoying.

Friday at the Beach

I hate spending an evening with my children around people that don’t have children, its difficult for me especially when those people are family. Since the fight between my mother and I, things have been very different for me. I don’t know if people chose sides, I don’t really care, actually, that is a lie, I do care very much but I choose ignorance because it would break my heart to find out if one of them didn’t side with me and I know at least one of them is bound to disagree with me. Every time I come back I expect things to be how they were before the fight, I don’t know why I expect this, I guess because for 23 years of my life that is how it was, things are never the way they were. My heart aches because I know things will never be like that again, even if that was fake.
I’m fairly certain that next time I am asked to drive 250 miles to do someone a favor I won’t do it. These people are practically family and they did nothing to me but I can’t bear my mother when she is trying to be someone she isn’t. My mother isn’t happy with who she is, she never has been, she has always seemed to feel inferior to others and tries to make up for it by being absolutely ridiculous. She is the woman that talks shit about someone because she is insanely jealous of her, she acts like she is so sure of herself to the point where she comes across as conceited. Truthfully, if she ever decided to be truthful to herself, she is the most unhappy person I know, she made poor choices in life and they are her own fault but she can’t handle that. She’s a blamer, never ever takes responsibility for her actions, to this day she denies that she told my aunts that she had to watch my children while I slept all day (a total and complete lie), I talked to my aunts separately, both told the same story, both were there, she lied to me. Her whole life is a lie, she gives people impressions of things that she knows isn’t true, she gave people the impression that I am a bad mother, she gave a lot of people this impression, my whole family to be exact. She did it to make herself look better because that is how big of a bitch she is. It hurts me so badly because I used to worship her, she was, to me, the best mother, I wanted to be a mother like she was and when she did that to me it cut me to the core. I could never ever lie like that about another mother, I couldn’t do it to make myself feel better about myself and I certainly couldn’t do it to a mother whose husband was in Iraq at the time.
She damaged me so badly that I will never heal from this, I never forgave her and I never will, what she did was inexcusable. Now, I always watch out for her, I’m always on my guard because I never know if she will feel like doing it again. I’m pretty certain she has done it again but I haven’t bothered to try and catch her, to her talking shit about people is like breathing, she can’t live without it.
I don’t know if I am overly sensitive because of our past but tonight she made me think she was trying to give someone the impression that I don’t watch my kids. It pissed me off so much that the rest of the evening I was seething, waiting for my moment to leave so I could go back to our house and write this.
She begged me to come in town, suggested that I do the make up for the wedding, she rented the beach house because it would be easier and she wanted us there. I pulled Nicholas out of school early, again, so we could get here at a decent hour, drove for almost 5 hours with two kids, alone! My thoughts were that this weekend would be fun, I would get to see my brothers and my dad, we could spend time together. Tonight we got here and went over to the other beach house for a barbecue, we knew we would be eating late so we brought some hot dogs for the kids, when we first got there Nicholas wanted to stay outside and “play” with Uncle Austen, he said it was fine so I took Sophia inside and said hello to everyone. The wedding couple had a new puppy that was there so Sophia was having fun petting the puppy and getting licked to death, a few moments later Nicholas came inside and wanted to eat. It was past their bedtime and they were hungry, Sophia started to get grouchy, grouchier than normal I should say. Austen came in and said their hot dogs were ready so I went ahead and fed them, I got the distinct feeling that my kids eating before everyone else wasn’t acceptable but luckily I don’t give a fuck because I’m not going to starve my children. One of the women asked if my mom was going to sit next to Sophia while she ate, I know this sounds silly but the way she said it was like she thought we should be on top of them, I was standing right next to Nicholas who was on the other side of Sophia, I was right there. My mom took this opportunity to say that was my job, she said it in a tone I cannot get across to you on here but it made me think she was trying to make people think that I, once again, wasn’t doing my job as a mother. At this point I knew as soon as I got to eat we would be leaving, it wasn’t until 9:30 pm that we started to eat dinner, I was famished. My kids were being good, they didn’t touch anything they weren’t supposed to, Nicholas played outside on the deck most of the night and Sophia played with the puppy but still I felt like my children were an inconvenience, I hate that feeling. I always feel that way when we are around these people, they say that they love the kids and they are fine but their body language and expressions on their faces make me believe otherwise. I ate quickly, took the kids out to the deck to play a little longer and then asked my mom if we could go, it was nearly 10 pm, several hours past their bedtime. When I announced that we were leaving, using the kids’ bedtime as an excuse, I got looks from everyone again, this was unacceptable. My mom wasn’t ready to leave so my brother, who sensed I needed to leave said he would take my mom back to our house so I could get the kids in bed.
So here I am, the kids in bed and I am writing, taking out my frustration on my keyboard.

I am so proud.

My cousin has been modeling lately, it started about a year ago and lately it has started taking off. His sister, Mere, sent me the link to his agency and I got to look at some of his pics today so I thought I would post some eye candy for you gals. He’s my cousin so I’m not posting any pics that are disgusting to me (like him in a shower) but you can all see what a cutie pants he is.

The first one above is my favorite because it really looks like him to me, you know he isn’t normally shirtless and staring off in the distance. He’s pretty much always smiling when I see him or chasing Nicholas and Sophia around. I’m just so happy for him, he’s such a great guy and I hope he gets everything he wants in life. I’m also happy because he gives me an excuse now to sing “I’m too sexy” by Right Said Fred everytime I see him.
Keep your fingers crossed for him, he might be getting a cover, I’ll post it if he gets it.