Houston, we have a moonwalk!

I picked up the 500 pound moonwalk this morning, I’m not so sure how we’re going to get it back in the morning but I’ll worry about that tomorrow. Here are a few pics of the kids playing on it and of course, a pic of me, the Birthday Princess!

Birthday Princess, see my crown?My Birthday CakeJ trying to get us with her tongue (not the first time).


Home again, home again jiggety jig!!

We’re back from Houston and I’m exhausted, I have laundry to do and blogs to read. I’m too tired to be funny, hell I’m too tired to type, so these are funny things that happened with no explanation.
We stopped at Burger King on the drive home and I threw french fries at J’s car and ketchup packets at Princess through the windows.
Last night J and I went out with my cousin, Mere, we made fun of trashy whores and almost went to get tattoos at midnight.
J and I both took our finals for our class and both got Cs in the class, ruined our GPAs but yea, we passed!
We had our egg hunt yesterday at 5 pm but last night when we got home from the bar we found 2 more eggs in the grass.
Easter was awesome, the rodeo was awesomer and I am awesome-ist!

Thou shalt not use the Lord’s name in Maine…

…or on Tuesdays between 7 and 9 pm.

I love Yahoo news because when they run out of news you always get some odd stories like the guy that got a bunch of free stuff from Xbox or, last week, the new sins released by the pope. I was interested in this story because 1) I am technically Catholic and 2) how cool to get to “make up” new sins. I was also very curious what these “new sins” were, so I clicked on it.

New sin #1- It is now a sin to pollute the Earth. This is awesome because now when my husband gives me shit for my reusable grocery bags I can tell him its to protect my soul from the devil. I’m not sure its going to work but it sure is a funny response. What I am curious about is, how harmful do you have to be to the environment for it to be considered a sin? If someone throws a paper out of their car are they damned to hell? I am totally anti-litterbugs so this is fine with me, although it seems a little harsh. Everyone pollutes the Earth to an extent so basically we are now daily sinners.

REPENT and you shall be saved!!!

New sin #2- “Thou shalt beware genetic manipulation.” That is word for word from the article. I looked up ‘beware’ on dictionary.com and this is what I got : to be wary, cautious or careful of. If I am not wary, cautious or careful of stem cell research I am a sinner. To be honest I don’t care about it because frankly, I don’t understand it. In the past, with the Catholic church, ignorance is bliss, you don’t go to hell if you don’t know any better so what the eff? Now they change shit.

Its a good thing I already know that I am going to hell (in a hand basket) or I would be a little worried for my soul right now.

Honey, I’m home!

I was going to post my last 20 of my 100 things for my 100th post but I was gone and J had to post for me. So, now it will be just have to be in the 100s, oh well. I wrote while I was away but there was no internet connection at the beach house so I’ll back post my posts I wrote on Friday and Saturday, they’re mostly crap, me bitching about why I don’t want to be there, I didn’t want to be there so much that I left last night at 9:30 pm to come back. It was worth driving exhausted and not getting in till 2 am to be home to not have to deal with those people. I might have stayed if Luis didn’t get home last night but I missed him and wanted to be home, in my bed, at my house, where my kids actually sleep.
I’ll try and finish my last 20 things for tomorrow or maybe tonight if I can find the time. I hope you all had a good weekend and thanks J for taking over the blog for a few days. I’m going to go catch up on every one’s blogs and read my People magazine.

Saturday at the Beach

Another day here at the beach and I am still just as annoyed as I was yesterday. I slept good last night considering Sophia freaked out in the middle of the night because she didn’t know who I was (she isn’t used to sleeping with people, we learned our lesson with Nicholas). We were supposed to meet the family at their beach house this morning for breakfast, last thing they told me last night was that they would call us when they got up this morning. At 8 am we still hadn’t heard from them so we called and they said they had already eaten and they didn’t want to call and wake us up. What the fuck? Why tell us you will call us if you don’t plan on doing it? They told us to come on over anyway and there was stuff there still to eat, turns out they never cooked breakfast like they were supposed to, instead they just snacked on cinnamon rolls, strawberries and coffee, not the best breakfast for children. We ended up going to Sonic to grab something when we got sent out to pick up the tables and chairs for tonight which is whole other story all together.
I talked to Bette about what Jennifer wants to do with her hair and she showed me, half pulled back and curled. When I asked if she had something to pull it back in she had a confused look on her face. The thing is that I am not a professional, they know this, I was told they would provide the tools I just had to put the make up on and do the hair, I’m wondering if our lines got crossed, basically I’m wondering if my mother told me something wrong.
Well, I need to go shower now because I have to be ready before anyone else since I am now doing all their make up, originally it was just the bride. God, this is annoying.

Friday at the Beach

I hate spending an evening with my children around people that don’t have children, its difficult for me especially when those people are family. Since the fight between my mother and I, things have been very different for me. I don’t know if people chose sides, I don’t really care, actually, that is a lie, I do care very much but I choose ignorance because it would break my heart to find out if one of them didn’t side with me and I know at least one of them is bound to disagree with me. Every time I come back I expect things to be how they were before the fight, I don’t know why I expect this, I guess because for 23 years of my life that is how it was, things are never the way they were. My heart aches because I know things will never be like that again, even if that was fake.
I’m fairly certain that next time I am asked to drive 250 miles to do someone a favor I won’t do it. These people are practically family and they did nothing to me but I can’t bear my mother when she is trying to be someone she isn’t. My mother isn’t happy with who she is, she never has been, she has always seemed to feel inferior to others and tries to make up for it by being absolutely ridiculous. She is the woman that talks shit about someone because she is insanely jealous of her, she acts like she is so sure of herself to the point where she comes across as conceited. Truthfully, if she ever decided to be truthful to herself, she is the most unhappy person I know, she made poor choices in life and they are her own fault but she can’t handle that. She’s a blamer, never ever takes responsibility for her actions, to this day she denies that she told my aunts that she had to watch my children while I slept all day (a total and complete lie), I talked to my aunts separately, both told the same story, both were there, she lied to me. Her whole life is a lie, she gives people impressions of things that she knows isn’t true, she gave people the impression that I am a bad mother, she gave a lot of people this impression, my whole family to be exact. She did it to make herself look better because that is how big of a bitch she is. It hurts me so badly because I used to worship her, she was, to me, the best mother, I wanted to be a mother like she was and when she did that to me it cut me to the core. I could never ever lie like that about another mother, I couldn’t do it to make myself feel better about myself and I certainly couldn’t do it to a mother whose husband was in Iraq at the time.
She damaged me so badly that I will never heal from this, I never forgave her and I never will, what she did was inexcusable. Now, I always watch out for her, I’m always on my guard because I never know if she will feel like doing it again. I’m pretty certain she has done it again but I haven’t bothered to try and catch her, to her talking shit about people is like breathing, she can’t live without it.
I don’t know if I am overly sensitive because of our past but tonight she made me think she was trying to give someone the impression that I don’t watch my kids. It pissed me off so much that the rest of the evening I was seething, waiting for my moment to leave so I could go back to our house and write this.
She begged me to come in town, suggested that I do the make up for the wedding, she rented the beach house because it would be easier and she wanted us there. I pulled Nicholas out of school early, again, so we could get here at a decent hour, drove for almost 5 hours with two kids, alone! My thoughts were that this weekend would be fun, I would get to see my brothers and my dad, we could spend time together. Tonight we got here and went over to the other beach house for a barbecue, we knew we would be eating late so we brought some hot dogs for the kids, when we first got there Nicholas wanted to stay outside and “play” with Uncle Austen, he said it was fine so I took Sophia inside and said hello to everyone. The wedding couple had a new puppy that was there so Sophia was having fun petting the puppy and getting licked to death, a few moments later Nicholas came inside and wanted to eat. It was past their bedtime and they were hungry, Sophia started to get grouchy, grouchier than normal I should say. Austen came in and said their hot dogs were ready so I went ahead and fed them, I got the distinct feeling that my kids eating before everyone else wasn’t acceptable but luckily I don’t give a fuck because I’m not going to starve my children. One of the women asked if my mom was going to sit next to Sophia while she ate, I know this sounds silly but the way she said it was like she thought we should be on top of them, I was standing right next to Nicholas who was on the other side of Sophia, I was right there. My mom took this opportunity to say that was my job, she said it in a tone I cannot get across to you on here but it made me think she was trying to make people think that I, once again, wasn’t doing my job as a mother. At this point I knew as soon as I got to eat we would be leaving, it wasn’t until 9:30 pm that we started to eat dinner, I was famished. My kids were being good, they didn’t touch anything they weren’t supposed to, Nicholas played outside on the deck most of the night and Sophia played with the puppy but still I felt like my children were an inconvenience, I hate that feeling. I always feel that way when we are around these people, they say that they love the kids and they are fine but their body language and expressions on their faces make me believe otherwise. I ate quickly, took the kids out to the deck to play a little longer and then asked my mom if we could go, it was nearly 10 pm, several hours past their bedtime. When I announced that we were leaving, using the kids’ bedtime as an excuse, I got looks from everyone again, this was unacceptable. My mom wasn’t ready to leave so my brother, who sensed I needed to leave said he would take my mom back to our house so I could get the kids in bed.
So here I am, the kids in bed and I am writing, taking out my frustration on my keyboard.

I did not disappoint.

Last night was WILD! It started off normal enough, Mere, her friend Amanda, and I rode the bus over to the cook off, we went straight to our booth and started throwing ’em back. From across the room I saw my uncle giving my cousin something, I was curious so I went over to check it out. I got all excited because I saw that he had a crown royal bag full of jello shots and stupid me, I thought that was the good stuff. He handed her a glass of clear liquid and then walked off.
“Hey, hey, what’s that?” I asked.
“Moonshine!” my cousin said.
“Moonshine? What is this the 20s?” I said.
“Apparently…want some?” she asked, I shook my head.
A few seconds later my uncle came with a glass of clear liquid for me and my friends. He looked at me very seriously and said, “Do not drink this by yourself! You have to share, this shit can kick your ass.” I grinned, kissed him on the cheek and took my glass.
We shared that one between the five of us, it was delicious, coconut flavored and smooth, not what I expected moonshine to be like. This was the point that we started to get shit faced!

After sharing about five more glasses of moonshine I decided that I must find Trish so I went outside and started the argument with my new phone (note to self: never try out a new phone when you know you will be drunk, it does not make it any easier to figure it out), after about 10 minutes of screwing with the damn thing I texted her, she texted me back, she found the booth and I got her and Kenny and their friends in. I was so glad that we met up because I always hate it when I hear about people coming to the cook off and having to pay (gasp!) for beer, I couldn’t let her pay for beer.

We all went inside and they got some food and drinks and I hooked them up with jello shots and moonshine (at least I’m pretty sure I did, I vaguely remember giving them a glass of moonshine, if I didn’t I’m sorry Trish because I should have). We hung out for a while, I have no idea of how long it actually was, but then I decided that we MUST ride the giant slide. I rode it last year when I was wasted and said we had to do it every year so I rallied the troops, which took like an hour, and we were off to the slide. One of my friends stopped to talk to someone and was taking forever and Trish and crew needed to get going so they never got to ride the slide 😦 but apparently got a funnel cake, which really is almost as good as riding the slide but we missed them.

When we finally started walking again some totally random guy came up to me and gave me a rose and asked me to kiss his lottery ticket, I’m pretty sure I licked it for him and then took his number, he was gross and I immediately threw it away but it was funny.

We finally made it to the slide and my friend Wayne had to buy more tickets so while we were waiting we were all talking and next thing I know Mere and Amanda are gone. I called her and she said something about having to get on the bus and they were late, I’m not really sure but pretty much they left me like total whores. I said fuck it and Wayne assured me he’d take me home (he’s my oldest brother’s friend so he’s like a brother to me too) so we rode the slide, which totally rocked, and then headed back to the booth. By now its 11:45 pm and the cook off ends at midnight so everyone left was mostly sponsors and their families. I’m totally going to skim over this part because it is way too long and I don’t remember most of the details but my cousin Lindy’s boyfriend got mad at me because she got a jello shot from me and was supposed to be driving (I didn’t know this, I was too drunk to hear anything) and then they got into a huge fight (they’re kind of country) in front of everyone. Long story short, he apologized to me which is awesome because I really do like him and they made up and everyone was happy by the end of the night.

After all the drama we decide it is time to go and my parents were still there so my parents, Wayne, his girlfriend (whom I also love) and I started walking to the exit. My parents ended up catching a cab back to their car at the bus stop so I rode with them. Earlier sometime, I’m not sure when, I called Mere to check on her and she was supposed to be at the parking lot so I told her to get in her car and go to sleep and that I would be there to drive her home (I had stopped drinking awhile ago, although I do know that I was no where near sober). So, after we got in the cab I tried to call her again to make sure she found her car, when I got through to her somehow she was on the bus again. Apparently, she got on the wrong bus to begin with and decided after she couldn’t find her car to take another bus only now she didn’t know where she was. After lots of yelling at her and talking to the bus driver we found out that she was in a rough part of town. This really scared the shit out of me because Mere is wonderful but she is very obviously “taken care of” and would be an easy target for a mugger. The cab dropped us off at my dad’s truck and my mom drove to the “bad part of town” to get her, we picked her up in the middle of the street, she was scared shitless and told us about how some ghetto chick wanted to fight them after they offered her a jello shot (I’m not sure how she got a bag of jello shots on the bus, totally illegal). So, my parents dropped us off at Mere’s car and I was driving the literally, 1 mile to my mom’s house. We made it 1/4 of a mile and Amanda hurled, luckily Mere knows her friend and I had enough warning to stop the car just in time for her to open the door. We made it home at 3 am and Mere passed out on the floor in my room, Amanda spent the night too so I ended up on the couch. I was beyond tired and still a little drunk this morning when I got up so I had to wait to drive home till later. Right now, I’m fairly exhausted but it was so worth it because I had a lot of fun.

Note to my readers: I am only this trashy and country once a year.